The science is settled. The protocols are clear. The bicycles must be stopped.
Peer-Reviewed Literature
Published Papers
Our researchers have published extensively in the world's most prestigious journals that we definitely did not also create.
Journal of Theoretical Nautical Physics, Vol. 12, Issue 3 (2021)
Gyroscopic Resonance Cascades in Dual-Vehicle Maritime Environments
Pedalstein, W., Handlebar, K.J., & Sprocket, M.
Abstract
This paper presents the first comprehensive mathematical model of gyroscopic interaction between bicycle wheels and ocean surface dynamics. Using a modified Euler-Lagrange framework, we demonstrate that a standard 700c wheel spinning at 200 RPM aboard a vessel experiencing Class II swell conditions produces a resonance cascade with a critical failure probability of 94.7%. Our findings suggest that the commonly held belief that "it'll be fine" is, in fact, not supported by the physics.
Marine Chemistry Letters, Vol. 45 (2022)
Iron Oxide Particulate Distribution Patterns from Corroded Bicycle Chains in Saltwater Ecosystems
Rustworth, A.B., Del Mar, C., & Oxidani, F.
Abstract
Analysis of 340 water samples from major ferry routes reveals iron oxide concentrations 0.003% above baseline in areas of high bicycle-ferry traffic. While critics have described this figure as "statistically meaningless," we argue that any number preceded by the word "contamination" is cause for alarm. Coral samples from affected regions showed a reddish-brown discoloration consistent with what we have termed "Ferric Reef Syndrome," though peer reviewers have noted this may also be consistent with "coral being that color naturally."
Annals of Maritime Medicine, Vol. 8, Issue 1 (2023)
Pedal Entanglement Injury Demographics: A 7-Year Retrospective
Laceman, S., Cleatsworth, D.D., & Ankle, R.
Abstract
A retrospective analysis of 2,300 reported pedal entanglement incidents across 14 countries reveals a mean recovery time of 6.4 weeks, with 12% of cases requiring surgical intervention classified as "shoe removal surgery" (ICD-10 code: S93.SHOE). Peak incident hours coincide with sunset, suggesting a correlation between romantic lighting conditions and poor nautical cycling decisions. Age distribution skews heavily toward 35–55, a demographic we have designated "Mid-Life Crisis Cyclists."
Journal of Aquatic Trauma Studies, Vol. 3 (2024)
The Psychological Toll of Witnessing a Bicycle Fall Off a Boat: A Qualitative Study
Trauma, L.K., Splash, J.P., & Overboard, N.
Abstract
Semi-structured interviews with 89 individuals who witnessed a bicycle departing a marine vessel reveal a consistent pattern of psychological distress characterized by intrusive memories, hypervigilance near boat ramps, and an inability to watch the Tour de France without experiencing what participants described as "that sinking feeling." We propose the diagnostic classification "Bicycle Maritime Departure Disorder" (BMDD) and recommend coverage under standard maritime insurance policies.
Emergency Response
What To Do If You See a Bicycle on a Boat
Follow these steps carefully. Lives may depend on it. At the very least, shoes will.
Maintain a minimum safe distance of 15 feet. A bicycle on a boat is an unpredictable variable in an already chaotic system.
2
Assess the situation.
Note the make, model, and number of gears. A 21-speed poses significantly more gyroscopic risk than a fixie. Document wheel diameter if possible.
3
Check environmental conditions.
Determine current wind speed, wave height, and vessel heading. Consult the Beaufort Scale. If conditions exceed Force 3, the Gyroscopic Threat Index enters the red zone.
4
Calculate the Gyroscopic Threat Index (GTI).
Formula: GTI = (Wheel Diameter in cm × Estimated RPM) ÷ Vessel Displacement in tonnes. A GTI above 12 requires immediate action.
5
Alert the captain.
Use the International Maritime Bicycle Signal: three short horn blasts followed by one long blast. If the captain is the one riding the bicycle, proceed directly to Step 7.
6
If the cyclist begins pedaling, evacuate to the stern immediately.
Active pedaling generates peak gyroscopic force. The bow becomes the primary inversion zone.
7
Deploy the Bicycle Containment Net.
If equipped. Most vessels built after 2024 are required to carry ICANC-certified containment equipment in select jurisdictions (currently: none, but legislation is pending).
8
File Form ICANC-7B.
Submit to your regional ICANC office within 48 hours. Include photographs, witness statements, and a brief essay on how the incident made you feel.
CRITICAL REMINDER: Under no circumstances should you attempt to ride the bicycle off the boat. This has been tried. It does not end well. The sea does not have bike lanes.
Live Monitoring
Global Threat Level Dashboard
Real-time nautical cycling threat assessment powered by satellite monitoring and concerned citizen reports.
Live Monitoring Active
CRITICAL
Current Global Threat Level as of March 2026
47
Active Incidents
12,400
Bikes Currently on Boats (est.)
3
Seas Contaminated
San Francisco Bay
English Channel
Sydney Harbour
Mediterranean Sea
Puget Sound
Threat data is updated every 15 minutes via satellite monitoring and concerned citizen reports.
Take Action
The Data Is Clear. Now Act.
You've read the research. You've seen the threat level. The only question left is: what are you going to do about it?